I’ve been wanting to write about love and my generation so badly, but have been afraid I’ll get too personal. Getting personal is very easy for me. I’m extremely good at it. Generally I’m ok with opening up my soul at first, but then later I feel embarrassed. It’s kind of like being an alcoholic. It feels great in the moment, while the alcohol is flowing in your veins and making you feel warm and fuzzy. Then it wears off and you start thinking, “Oh shit! What did I say? What did I do? Do I still have friends?”
It doesn’t help that I over think everything either. On a high level neurotic day I can sit and go through every word that I have uttered out of my mouth and I will evaluate on how stupid I made myself seem. People tease me about being quiet, this is why. It cuts out my daily debriefing of what I did or said wrong the less I talk.
Again, this isn’t an issue for me every day. Some days I’ll start to feel bad or embarrassed about something I perceived as dumb and I’ll decide I really don’t care. Those are the best days.
Obviously I have my flaws. As does everyone. I know this and other people should know this, but I get the feeling that my generation is constantly waiting for a “perfect” person. No one wants to deal with anyone’s flaws, not even their own. They just want a perfect person to fall into their laps. It’s either that or they just want to sleep with as many people as they possibly can, which I personally do not understand. It’s not my thing, but I don’t judge as long as said person is open and upfront about their goals.
Then there are people who over-romanticize their early relationships and/or first loves to the point that no-one can compete. They walk around like broken beings who will never love again, even if they find someone they like a lot. They just won’t ever let that person in because one time they got hurt. One time.
I understand these people better than the rest, but they also irritate me the most. Why? Well, because my pattern is to be all hung up on my last relationship. Then I’ll meet someone I like. If I start to like them a lot, I think to myself, “Hmm I really like this person. I bet if I give it my all and allow myself to let them in, I’ll like them just as much or more than the guy before!”
Guess what happens? Most of the time I end up liking them just as much or more because I let them in. If I don’t, I stop seeing them. It doesn’t matter how often I’ve had my heart stomped on and discarded, I keep trying. I keep trying because I like being in love. I like having someone to cherish and support. I like that more then I like holding on to someone who probably doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. I mean if they did, they wouldn’t have discarded me.
Unfortunately, the men I’ve encountered who are like this, never get to that point while they are with me. They hold on for dear life to a girl who doesn’t appreciate them half as much as I did. It’s irritating, it sucks, and it sabotages the relationship.
Most of my exes were hung up on an ex or some girl who was never going to give them the time of day. It was hurtful and damaging to my ego. It caused me to feel like I wasn’t good enough. The funny is, that most of these exes I also ended up hearing from years later. They all apologize for how they were and a couple of them even asked for another chance. It floors me every time.
Currently I’m in a similar boat as my annoying exes. I am hung up over my last boyfriend and I know its probably because I am over-romanticising our relationship. It doesn’t help that the man before him tore down my sense of self-worth to almost nothing. The man before him called me stupid often, told me I’d have the perfect body if I had a flat stomach, and called me a loser because I worked at a restaurant. He wasn’t supportive. I felt like I had to pull teeth to get him to help me with any acting endeavors. He wrote on facebook that my cooking smelled like death. He was a huge dick, but he wasn’t always a dick. He was very good about changing face the moment I had had enough. To this day, he doesn’t understand why I was so angry and hurt because he was a clueless dick. The worse kind right?
My last boyfriend was almost the complete opposite. He told me I was beautiful, talented, and ambitious. He always wanted to know what I was working on acting and cooking wise. He volunteered right away to help me with a self submitted video audition. If it took him awhile to text me back, he always apologized even though I was hardly ever worried or annoyed about it. He was just considerate like that. Things weren’t perfect with us, but I was ok with that. For me, they were darn near perfect. The things that weren’t, I felt were fixable. He even broke up with me in the sweetest possible way, but he still broke up with me and even though it’s been a few months I still miss him.
So my friends say, “Hook up with someone! Just get back out there and go on dates! Lots of guys like you, why don’t you go out with them?”
I am done, that’s why. If my last boyfriend or anyone knows him reads this, it’s not his fault. I’m just done. I’m worn out. I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I don’t even want to hook up with anyone and I feel very stubborn about it because that’s what everyone else does. I’m such a hipster about all of it. Sex and hooking up is too mainstream for me. I was into that way before anyone else was.
I’m making fun of myself, but it’s kind of true for me. I’m so sick of the shallow nature of my society. It’s everywhere. I stopped in a grocery store to get Starbucks today and caught a girl taking a selfie. I wanted to grab her and scream, “You are in a grocery store Starbucks! Why? Why are you taking a selfie? For god’s sake, just stop!”
I feel like everyone is so shallow. No one wants to look deeper into a person. We all just want basic pleasures. We want a 1000 followers, we want likes, praise, we want porn like sex, hairless genitals, naked snap chat pictures, and constant gratification. Gimme, gimme, gimme, but without any effort.
We want fantasies. We don’t want to deal with reality. To love someone who isn’t perfect is too scary and vanilla apparently. I’m tired of feeling bad for wanting something more. I don’t want meaningless sex. I want passionate sex. I don’t want to worry about getting off, I want to connect. I want love. I want to look into someone’s eyes and have them know I will always do my best to be there for them and vice versa. I want to adore and be adored. I want a man to crave all of me, not just my body. I want flaws. I want little problems to work on. I want laughter. I want to share my hopes and dreams. I want love, love, love. Love isn’t perfect. It just is. That’s my opinion anyway.
Because I’m a curmudgeon