I originally started this blog, because I was inspired by an acting classmate who started one. She was writing about things that I had similar views on and I thought if she could do it, I could do it. I made a title and picked a backdrop and then I got scared. This blog was empty for a couple of months until I decided to go with something safe, my cooking hobby.
I want to explain why that is and where my title comes from. My title came from my very first blog. It was called The Hermit Cave. At the time I felt very much that I was a loner and I still do to some extent. When I was younger I put in a real effort to try to make friends, but I constantly felt attacked and picked on emotionally. I’d run and tell my mother about the cruelty of humanity’s youth, but instead of automatically taking my side, she’d ask questions. My mother was teaching me to see all sides of a coin. Most of the time, she ended up on my side anyway. So I didn’t really comprehend what she was doing until my mid-twenties.
So for a long time I felt victimized, picked on, and misunderstood. Meanwhile my mother kept urging me to see all sides. Sometimes it worked and sometimes I would dramatically run into my room and say something angsty like, “No one understands!”
Sometimes my mother even agreed with me, but she would always try to keep me from feeling victimized. She was always trying to get me to rise above the unjust and very often manipulative behaviors I had to wrestle with. I misunderstood her often. I still do sometimes, more so with other issues. I don’t really get picked on anymore, but I still deal with conflict.
As a woman in her late 20s, looking back, I’m not sure if I was unjustly picked on or not. I don’t know if it was something I legitimately did to cause others to pick on me or if some of my friends in the past were just tiny little assholes. Maybe it was a combination even. I’m sure in some cases it was me and in some it was them.
When I was writing The Hermit Cave and going through teenage angst that lasted into college admittedly, I often held grudges. If I felt wronged then that person was totally in the wrong. I didn’t see their points and sometimes I’d write blogs about it. My mother’s voice would get in my head and I would try to see things from the other side, but I would hardly ever, truly comprehend it. Instead of comprehension, I would just feel guilty about getting so upset.
Thankfully my comprehension has improved, but I still get upset from time to time. I’m only human.
These traits are what makes me feel like a fool. Hence the name Hermitfool. The fool in the tarot deck represents childlike wonderment. For me it represents discovery. I’m trying to discover myself and figure out this world. I want to figure it out like a fool would, because the fool doesn’t know enough to judge. The fool takes everything in life like it’s a new experience, with open, wondrous eyes. It’s not easy to do, especially for me. I’ve always been very judgemental. I judge people based off of photos sometimes. I even think I tend to be right after meeting them in person.
The point I’m trying to make is that I wanted my blog to be about life, but I got scared. I have a bad habit of being too personal and vulnerable. This works great on stage and camera, but in life it gets me into trouble. For example, when someone asks me how I am, I have to evaluate whether or not I should be polite and tell the person the truth. For example, if i’m not ok and it’s someone I’m kind of friends with, my instinct is to say, “Yeah I’m not doing well right now, but I’ll get over it, it’s cool.”
I’m aware, however, that that makes most people uncomfortable. So I have to think to myself, am I’m going to make this person uncomfortable? Do I really need to be honest about how I’m feeling? The funny thing is that it’s not even an issue of me wanting to talk about my problem. Most of the time I don’t really want to, unless it’s with people who are close friends or I’m really hurting. I just don’t like acting in real life. I love to do it on camera and on stage, but in real life I like to be honest.
I don’t always reveal everything though. Sometime even with people I’m close to, I’ll want to say what’s truly on my mind and I don’t. I do this out of fear of scaring people away and sometimes it’s because I’m not sure if it’s a fleeting feeling or a true one. My mind is sharp enough to know this about myself, but my heart dominates and confuses me.
It’s a lot like this photo I encountered recently, only my brain can’t keep my heart on it’s leesh. Truthfully, my brain is not very domineering at all. Well at least not the logical side of my brain that is. The logical part of me is like that smart kid everyone ignores, but is almost always right. I’m trying my best to listen to you logic, I really am.