Lard Ass’s Soup of Revenge

I was going to call this entry the red soup of failure, but it reminds me a lot of the pie puke from the Lard Ass story of Stand By Me.


Best served hot, but despite this, could be used as a tool of revenge

I don’t know what kind of childhood all of you had, but I was picked on. I also had a bit of a fat stage. I wasn’t huge like Lard Ass, but I was a bit roly poly. Like Lard Ass, I wasn’t going to take any crap about it. A girl once kept calling me fat in elementary school and I whipped around, folded my arms, looked her in the eyes and said, “Maybe I am fat, but I’d rather be fat than mean like you!”

After writing that out, it’s doesn’t seem all that badass. At the time it was though. Trust me on this. I’m still quite proud of myself for that anyway. I’m proud of Lard Ass too! I love that story in Stand By Me. Sure it’s disgusting, but it’s still my favorite part of the film. Anyone who doesn’t like seeing a picked on underdog get revenge is probably the man. Damn the man! Go Lard Ass!

In Lard Ass I trust!

The reason I was originally going to call this soup a failure is because I screwed it up big time. This was disappointing on multiple levels, because it came from my cookbook The Scent of Orange Blossoms. The last soup I made in here was mind blowing delicious. It’s the same soup I referenced in my last entry too. So that was disappointing, as well as the fact that I haven’t liked anything I’ve made recently.

Thankfully, I made something yesterday that was a winner, so my next entry will be a happier, more successful one.

The main reason this was a failure is because I couldn’t find two major ingredients. If I had, had those ingredients the soup would have turned green instead of red. Also, it might have been good, but I may never know.

Those two main ingredients I missed out on were turnips and fava beans. I substituted with baby beets and lima beans. That was the best I could do!

I’m still perplexed as to why I couldn’t find turnips too! I went to two grocery stores! Seriously! I went to Von’s and Gelson’s! Neither had turnips! I started to think that maybe I had missed something in my years of life. Like, maybe turnips and beets are actually the same thing. So, I looked it up on my handy dandy smart phone. They are not the same thing, but they are both root vegetables, so close enough, I guess? Not really, though, reader, not really.

I did the right thing by getting lima beans as a substitute, thankfully. The author does acknowledge that fava beans could be hard to find, unless it’s Passover time that is. She recommends frozen baby lima beans as a substitute. I didn’t read the details again and just got fresh ones. Go me.

Anyway, to make this soup, which is called Passover Fava Bean Soup, by the way, is 4 pounds of fresh peeled and shelled fava beans, 1 peeled and quartered potato, 1 peeled and quartered turnip, 1 quartered onion, 6 cups of beef stock, 1 1/2 cups of cilantro, 2 teaspoons of salt, and pepper.

The first step is to soak, peel, and shell your beans. This is excruciating and annoying. I recommend employing third world kids to help you out with this, because it takes forever. Once the beans are ready, though, the rest of the process is fairly easy. That next step is to cook the beans, potato, turnip (beets in my case), onion, and 2 cups of the beef stock in a pot. Bring this to a low boil and keep at a medium heat. Cook for about 25 to 30 minutes or until your turnip is tender.

You will then allow it to cool and blend. As I’ve mentioned in the past, an immersion blender would be so nice for this. Unfortunately I still don’t have one and as a result, made a huge mess. The mess also reminded me of Lard Ass’s story, just in case you doubted the connection.

When you blend, I should mention, this is the time you add the extra beef stock as well as the cilantro. So, blend away, until you have a smooth consistency.

The final step is to re-heat your blended mix and serve. Feel free to garnish with extra cilantro and season with pepper and salt.

Despite it’s resemblance to pie puke, this soup wasn’t terrible. It was just kind of bland for me. I also think I should have soaked the beans and beets longer. Then again, maybe it beets and beans just shouldn’t go together. Maybe it would have turned out better with turnips.

I’m not dying to find out, though. If you feel like trying, let me know.


3 thoughts on “Lard Ass’s Soup of Revenge

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